1 Girls, just to let you know...if you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
2 When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason - Molly McGee
3 Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!!!)
4 Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
5 Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
6 Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the women gets her Master.
7 Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
8 Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
9 Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
-The Engagement Ring
-The Wedding Ring
10 Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
11 It's true; all men are born free and equal - but some of them get married
12 A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
13 There was a man who said "I never knew what happiness was until I got married and then it was too late!"
14 There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through HELL!
15 I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
16 I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956
17 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
18 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe-Jackie Mason
19 Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
20 I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder
21 "I'd rather she'd used me for sex. Using me for my mind really bothered me." - Carl Jacobs
22 I'm not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word. I'd just wish to hell she'd get to it.
23 Any man who thinks marriage is a 50/50 proposition proves that: Either he knows nothing at all about percentages, (or) he's got an awful lot to learn about both women and marriage.
24 It's really a wonder my wife and I ever got together in the first place. She swore she would never marry me when I was drunk, and I wouldn't dream of marrying her when I was sober.
25 I'm not saying my wife talks too much or anything, but she uses a special SPF 30 sunblock for her tongue.
26 At bedtime, when my wife asks "Is everything shut-up for the night ?" I always patiently reply, "Everything 'else' is, dear."
27 My wife hasn't been feeling all that well lately. Something she agreed with is eating her.
28 When I married my wife, she had a real hourglass figure. The sands of time have pretty much taken care of that though.
29 My wife always keeps a bowl of wax fruit around, even though neither of us knows any mannequins.
30 I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook exactly but we have a complete set of soup knives.
31 A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please. She replied, "Don't know. Never tried."
32 Rub her feet - Lazarus Long
33 "I want us to be something that we can't."
"A normal couple."
- Holden, Alyssa, "Chasing Amy"
34 Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date,
(2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
35 "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
36 "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career." - Gloria Steinem
37 "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
38 Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
39 "Do you know why God witheld the sense of humour from women? That we may love you instead of laughing at you." - Mrs Patrick Campbell British actress Said to a man (1940) "The Life of Mrs Pat" M.Peters
40 I sometimes get up grumpy, but then she wakes up.
41 Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
42 Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
43 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self defence.
44 When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
45 A women's work is never done by men - Graffito
46 Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
47 Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration: in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
48 It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
49 There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
50 I couldn't have been happier when my wife became a "libber". Now, she complains about all men and not just me.
51 My wife knows how to make my long stories short - She interrupts
52 One good turn gets most of the blankets.
53 I'll have to admit the first part of my marriage was happy. But then, on the way from the ceremony to the reception .
54 My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.
55 I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
56 Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can
be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur - Jerry Seinfeld
57 If a man says something in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
58 If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.
59 The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
60 Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
61 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
62 I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. - Elayne Boosler
63 Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
64 A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
65 It's one thing to have to explain to a man why a billion dollar measure has been vetoed, but it is much more difficult to explain to a woman why the cap of the toothpaste has not been put back on. - W. C. Fields
67 Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
68 Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
69 "What do most people do on a date?" "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Response by Mike, Age 10
70 "I was really worried, I've never seen you come so quickly..." - Angela Randall
71 "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
72 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche
73 After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
74 Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
75 Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
76 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
77 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
78 "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
79 "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
80 If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? - Cynthia Heimel
81 "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
82 Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.
83 A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.
84 Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx
86 Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to
87 Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
88 A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
89 For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman
90 I gave my wife a new watch for her birthday - waterproof, shockproof, unbreakable and anti-magnetic. Absolutely nothing could happen to it. She lost it. - Joey Adams
91 Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde
92 Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.
93 Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
94 What is a highbrow? He is a man who has found something more interesting than women. - Edgar Wallace and others
95 I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage - no matter how ugly and disgusting it gets. - Major Frank Burns, M*A*S*H
96 Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. - Lyndon B. Johnson
97 "A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings." - Olin Miller
98 Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
99 According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
100 Women say all men are the same, but they have no problem telling you how different you are from Mel Gibson.